So as life goes on, the things that makes us happy evolves. Ten years ago I would have said something along the lines of; alcohol, sex, music, reading, video games, friends etc. Now things are so very different. Firstly, I’m ten years older, the greys are beginning to show, I’m sure I am fatter than I was back then and I now drink coffee like it’s going out of fashion and smother most foods in garlic. My life now is so far removed from what it used to be. I was a confused girl back then. I had no sense of purpose or direction. I didn’t even know who I was let alone what truly made me happy. You see those six things listed above are a lie. Alcohol was damaging my relationships. It skewed my understanding of what love was. It replaced the need to be loved with this sickness for desire. I yearned for someone to want me, need me, for them to not be able to function without me as I so often felt about someone else. This sickness for desire corrupted a relationship I was in as I felt he didn’t want me enough. You see it in the films. A love and desire that’s so fierce that a person would do anything for you, including give up a dream job, because that’s just how much you mean to them. I was becoming the kind of person I had hated so much as a teenager and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. A few years later thing only seemed to be getting worse. I was a mess and things were getting scarily out of my control. I had lost myself in this other person. I was no longer the bubbly, slightly in your face girl.
Now, ten years on, I finally have someone that gets that, that can provide all of that for me and has helped me grow into the woman I am not and that’s where number one comes in.
1. My soul mate:
We met eight years ago through a mutual friend. We (my mate and I) went to the local pub for a drink as a foursome. I remember the first moment I saw him as he walked past the floor to ceiling windows. He looked kinda goofy. All arms and legs with a mop of hair on his head. I even remember the t-shirt he was wearing because it looked like a piece of paper with lines on it. I spent the night getting a little tipsy on a drink that could’ve killed him (although I didn’t know that at the time) or at least caused a bit of swelling to the face. That evening I went home to stay at my friends house. When we woke up the next morning, make-up round my eyes, hair askew, breathe a little stinky, I messaged him on her MSN.
‘Hello sweet cheeks!’ I wrote.
My friend and I giggled as I sent it. We chatted with him for a while and then we went on with our day. I didn’t speak to him much after that but I saw him again and my friends birthday party. I spent the evening flirting with him and a week later we went on our first date. I guess the rest is history as they say. Eight years on this goofy, lanky, mop headed fool is my husband. He has allowed me to be the best version of me. He has given me the most beautiful and funniest little girl who is currently ‘singing’ to herself. He makes me laugh so hard I cant breathe and my laugh becomes a series of squeaks so high pitched that only dogs can hear it. Yes, there are times where I could kill him but they are minimal compared to the good times, the fun times we’ve had together. France, Belgium, Italy, JAPAN! The countless comic cons we’ve been to. The endless hours of movie nights and the all nighter games nights. Through all of the tears and tantrums, he has been my lobster. Without him, the happiness I experience now, would not exist.
2. My daughter:
I think it is safe to say that she is most definitely the apple of my eye. My whole world revolves around her and her needs. She is such a beautiful baby, inside and out. She is only five months old but is already such a little character. I could spend hours watching her sleep or play, listening to her test her voice with the sweetest coo’s or when she lets out a little giggle. I love to see her reach little development milestones and I love being her mummy. She makes me so happy that I swear I have ovaries growing on my ovaries and a heart the size of the moon. This is a new kind of happiness though. One I’ve never experienced before and I love every moment of it. I cannot wait to see her become a more and more animated as she learns new things. I am so excited for our first proper conversation and to start teaching her the ways of the world. I look forward to seeing the woman she will become too. It is all so new and exciting.
Many times I’ve read that becoming a mummy means your social life will suffer. Friends will disappear and family will only want to come round to see the baby, not you. Yet, this is not true for me. Since Zosia was born my friendships have strengthened. The lads love to come round to see Zosia (they pretend they want to play cards but I know its cos they love our cheeky little monkey!). I meet up with the girls regularly and it’s helped to rebuild bridges with a few old friends. I am sure I will lose a friend or two on the way, I think that will be inevitable but I also look forward to making new friends, mummy friends, super nerdy, awesome friends! Since I left my home town, I found it really hard to make new friends. Sure, the lads are my friends too, but they were his friends first. I was missing female companionship. At university I made few acquaintances but nobody that would stick around for long. So it makes me very happy that I now have a few gal pals to hang out and scoff ice-cream with every now and then.
What is happiness to you? What makes you truly happy? Leave me a comment and let me know.
Peace and Love,