The date it all began – Friday 24th February 2017. It’s my nan’s birthday. She would have been 93. I miss her with every inch of my soul and it breaks my heart to think that she’ll never meet baby Zosia. I wanted to make sure Zosia will always know about her great nan. So we shared her name with Zosia. Ellen Charity Kate was a little too long, so we chose to use Ellen as her middle name – Zosia Ellen.
I’ve always wanted to be a mummy. My way of showing affection is similar to all the things I loved about my Nan as a kid. Buy them things and feed them up good and proper, so I often ply my husband with gifts of cupcakes, muffins, big bags of fancy crisps, lots of bacon… the list goes on (luckily he doesn’t get fat haha!). I always hoped I would get a chance to prove myself as a fairly decent mum. I’ve always loved other people’s kids. Being a mum has been one of my biggest dreams but until now, I’d never had the security to allow it.
My past is scattered with failed, destructive relationships which often ended with me hitting my own self-destruct button. I’ve always been the kinda girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but there are only so many times it can get beaten, battered and bruised before one begins to bottle it up and not let it out again. Apparently you have to wade through some pretty tough times before you can see the light. And my light came in the shape of Aaron. We met in 2009, married in 2016 and Zosia joined us this year – 2017.
My waters broke on this day, like a sign from my Nan that she was with us, watching over us from wherever she was. I wasn’t sure at first. I thought it was my mucus plug but when I couldn’t get off the loo for leakages I began to realise what was going on.
THIS IS IT! OH SHIT! I’M GUNNA BE A MUM!
Zosia was born a day before her original due date, two days after my waters broke. A labour lasting 51 hours, active labour lasting 19 hours. Infections x2. I never do things the easy way or even the right way. I had no signs of labour being imminent until my waters broke that morning. I will never forget those days or the two weeks in hospital afterwards. Birth was traumatic and those first two weeks even more so (but that’s another story for another time). But here I sit, four months later, writing about that fateful day whilst the little madam catches some Z’s next to me.
She is the reason for my everything. Her smiles when she wakes up in the middle of the night make it all worth it. Her little coo’s, her squeals, her baby babble all make my whole existence worth it. This is what I was made for. She makes you laugh when she farts in her sleep. She amazes you when she mimics sounds you make to her. When she grabs your hand your heart melts. She is my world. My beautiful bundle of squishiness and I will love her forever.